Saving Me
by Anendee
Summary: Sanzo and Goku, inner mind musings and realizations when one is almost lost. Say if it is worth saving me.


Saving Me

By: Anendee

Dedicated to: My best friend, partner in fanfiction crime, and new roommate, Trin. What would I do with out you?

Beta: Trin

Series: Saiyuki

Pairings: Sanzo+Goku

Warnings:SAP! OOCness on the part of all.

Disclaimer: I do not own Saiyuki, nor the song that seriously inspired this fic, Nickelback's Savin' Me, off of their new album All the Right Reasons (track # 5) lyrics at the bottom.

Saving Me

I have watched him grow up from the monkey child to the young man in front of me. He has changed so much, I can not figure out why. What ever happened to my naive monkey? He has impressed me so many times and I know I never showed it to him. He has become so much to me…

He is staring at me again. What did I do this time? I have changed so much for him to like me. He saved me from my prison, has done so much for me but still refuses to give the one thing I really need from him…

Will they ever just tell each other how they feel? Even Gojyo picks up on the looks and silence. It is obvious to us all that Goku has changed. To me it is even more obvious why. Why can't Sanzo see that?

This has become a comedy of errors that is becoming tragic. I am ready to shake both the monk and the monkey. Gods are they blind. I can't pick a good fight with the monkey anymore. He has grown up quite a bit on this trip. I know it is a façade. The monkey slips up occasionally, which of course sets off the monk. Neither ass seems to think they are good enough to be loved…

GOKU POV

I sit in the back, remembering when I was in the cave… I was so lonely there. I can't remember why I was imprisoned there. I remember the snow, the cold, the sadness. I was so empty that any life was a potential friend. Then he came to my mountain prison.

It was like seeing the sun for the first time. The light hit off his golden hair and his unique eyes. The eyes showed emotion I couldn't place and supreme irritation. I was the cause of the irritation. I knew a moments recognition before all I saw was the figure in front of me. He was tall for a human, and gorgeous, a sun in his own right. It was true I called out, but I never knew any one could hear my cries.

I have loved him for longer then I can remember, but I can't figure out when it changed from love of a really good friend/idol to I want to spend my life with the man of my dreams.

I have tried my best to be like him, to be cool, calm and for the most part quiet. I have learned to face adversity, not with my usual grin and enthusiasm, but with a calculated contemplation of the deeds a head of me. Get the job done, nothing fancy, nothing fun, no dragging out the battle. My every move thought out to have the most impact.

I was beginning to feel as if I was back in the walled and barred prison he had released me from. So high up, so hard to escape. Walls, rock and height, chained and restrained. The best I could do for movement was crawl a few feet at the most, on my hands and knees. My personality was caged much as I was in the past and I was screaming for him. Please tell me is it is worth saving me!

Sanzo had taken me in; he taught me so much, wrong from right, and the capability to make that decision myself. He had helped me show him and others who I could be, what I could do. He showed me how to not need anyone, to be the last man standing. And I failed him on it all. I am dependant on him, wrong or right. I follow him blindly through everything. Was I, and have I become, worth saving?

SANZO POV

The monkey has been too quiet for far too long. He has changed to an extreme. What happened to the boy that was teaching me the difference between wrong and right? What happened to the boy that was teaching me how to be human again? I am dependant on him for so damned much that it scared me. Last man standing, my ass. I never was that man. I call out to him in my dreams, in my mind.

"Hey, monkey, what the hell is the matter with you!" Gojyo beat me to the question I wasn't sure I would ever be able to voice.

"Nothing, I am just fine." The quiet reply in the voice but not the spirit of the young man that sat in the back.

"Bullshit, monkey-boy, now spill." Gojyo wasn't about to give up. I put up a façade of my own. I didn't care what was going on in the back. Yeah, right.

Goku didn't reply, "Come on, monkey, what's eating you?" Gojyo continued. "You know, your sulking stupid ass is getting on my nerves. Tell me what is wrong so I can make it better and things can go back to normal."

Goku, in response, turned his head toward the road on his side as stared out at the vast nothing ness we had been traveling through for so long now. I was beginning to think the journey, the terrain was sapping the energy, the spirit from the young man. Gojyo had said what I had wanted to say for so long.

THIRD PERSON

After nearly ten minutes of silence from Goku, a reply came from the now quiet man. "Nothing is wrong, is there something wrong with me growing up? For doing what I have been told so many times to do? Maybe I was sick of being the idiot. I have changed, is there something wrong with that?" In his mind, 'I am reaching out for you, help me Sanzo! Am I worth saving?'

Gojyo was stunned by the soft scathing short speech from the monkey. Hakkai tried to take the opportunity to get more from Goku, only to be stopped by a fire ball to the immediate left of the jeep. "Hold on everybody!" Hakkai's maneuvering spoke of many such experiences as he zipped around the barrage of fireballs coming from the West.

Hakkai had them out of the range of the catapults that had been hurdled the balls of oil lit aflame. Close enough to engage the enemy, but far enough away to protect Sanzo and close enough to render the rudimentary catapults impotent.

Sanzo checked his gun; it had been a habit for years but unnecessary for the past few months as there was no need to fire off random shots to quiet the idiots behind him. He frowned with that thought in mind. Sanzo casually stepped out of the jeep. The others equally subdued but with their own attitudes and take on the situation.

"At last, Sanzo Party, we-." A sharp shot sounded as Sanzo didn't even give the demon a chance to finish. He burst into a cloud of dust, his last sound was. "Uuuhhhh!"

"Next?" Sanzo was out for blood. He couldn't figure out why. The entire group of 70 demons rushed the much smaller group of four. Hakkai with his Chi blasts, disintegrated the first two lines of ten. Gojyo rushed with Goku at his side, both unfurling their weapons to create the most damage in the least amount of time. These demons, though, were more then they bargained for. They weren't the usual bunch of saps the Sanzo group had gotten complacent fighting.

Supporting shots from Sanzo and Hakkai kept the front line from completely overwhelming the two close combatants. But it was a moment to moment thing. Slice, twist, catch, yank, dust. Repeat. Gojyo's weapon cut a deadly swath through the surrounding demons, though not enough. Goku's elegant dance of death was dealing just about as much damage.

A new wave of the demons, reinforcements, broke through, it became all Hakkai could do to hold back the demons was set up his barrier, enclosing Sanzo with in its confines. Hakkai realized that was what the demons had wanted, to close off the support to the other combatants and slowly take them down. The shear numbers were becoming overwhelming as more reinforcements joined the initial wave of demons. Soon there were hundreds surrounding both pairs.

Gojyo was the first to go down. With in a few seconds Goku, too, was still as the demons continued to beat them. "Sanzo, make sure you are loaded and ready, I am going to drop this shield and blast these bastards to hell! 1, 2, 3!" Blasts from the banishing gun rang out as Sanzo and Hakkai cleared an area around them and their fallen comrades. The rage of Sanzo made him seemingly invincible.

Sanzo dropped the gun and headed in to the fray full tilt. The demons didn't stand a chance against the physical manifestation of the monk's rage. Hit, punch, kick, trip. Break, shatter, fall, duck, punch evade, be hit. On and on. Sanzo didn't seem to feel the pain of the blows landed as he made his way through the demon horde.

The battle seemed to last for hours before the last of the demon troops fled. Sanzo finally brought out the power of the scriptures. No proof of the battle existed. Not even the dust that now danced on the wind left a testament of the death and despair met there.

Hakkai treated the wounds of Gojyo and Goku the instant he could reach their side. He didn't see Sanzo collapse from sheer exhaustion. Gojyo looked to be in stable condition, unconscious, yes, but in the clear.

Goku on the other hand wasn't any where near stable. Hakkai used his chi to heal Goku as much as possible. But the young man who had been one of his constant companions, and friend, for the last few years stayed comatose. The already weakened chi gong user tapped into his reserves to call Hakkaryu to the group and load all three of his companions in. He succumbed to sleep within two minutes of sitting behind the wheel…

GOKU POV

I woke to a sun filled room, a room that was belied by the pain that hit me like a ton of bricks. I couldn't help the groan that escaped as I tried to turn my head. So much pain! Before I was overtaken by the pain my entire body screamed with, I made out a form sitting next to me. My pain hazed mind couldn't tell me who it was.

I was back in my cave prison. I could barely move. And then it was only to crawl a few feet on my hands and knees. I constantly reach out to something to someone. I now have a name to what I was reaching for, Sanzo. I become terrified of the walls surrounding me, they were so blank and empty. I couldn't remember better times but I knew I was missing something. Only in my dreams did the bars of my prison fail to hold me. In those dreams I knew what, no, who I needed. I screamed for you, I at the end of my dreams would try so hard to get your attention, only to fail every night. I began to fall, I would beg for you to hear me, as I fell back to my slowly maddening mind.

You came to me finally. You took me in and taught me so much; even though I am sure you thought I wasn't paying attention. You taught me how to be the last one standing, to never need any one, and yet, in doing so I was hooked as if you were a drug. You taught me wrong from right, and when to know that sometimes doing the wrong thing was right. I tried to show you that I was learning and using the lessons, but it never worked. I began to wonder if there was any saving me.

The closest to heaven a person on earth is supposed to get is the Temple of the Rising Sun in Chang 'An. They didn't want to let me in. Without you I would have fallen into darkness, as if I had wings that had been broken by their cruel prejudices. For me all I needed, all I saw was you. The city was the same. They treated me just as the monks of your temple had. High places were the only escape from them all I had. I would mentally scream for you, 'Come, please, I'm callin'.'

I finally figured out who I could be, what I could be to you when you were sent on the first mission, by the Sankanboshin, since I came back with you. The three floating Heads as you called them. I never heard how you stood up for me with there. So I still didn't think I was worth saving. I needed to hear it from you, to me, for me.

I thought I finally figured out what about me drove you nuts. I started to control myself, with food, fighting, and my temper. I kept my voice down and my actions and energy contained, until such a time I could release the energy without hurting or disturbing others. Along with these conscious changes came many I hadn't seen coming my way. My subdued attitude lead to the pitfall of depression, I scream, 'hurry, I'm falling! Please say it if it is worth saving me!'

I left everything I knew about myself behind for you, and now, as much as I love you, I need to know. Am I worth saving? I am falling so far, so fast. Say it to me, for me, say is it worth saving me?

I can hear something as I fall into the darkness. I can hear you. I listen, trying to make out what you are saying, but I can't. The frustration is driving me nuts. You, who are my entire life, my love, and I just can not figure out what you are saying. As I continue to free fall, your voice becomes clearer, but what are you saying?

I open my eyes, this time, instead of blinding light, the soft glow of a small lamp across the room greets my eyes. I can hear and see you. Finally, I have been in the dark for so long.

"-ease, come back. We-, no, **_I_** can't do this with out you. You have become so much to me. Come, please, Goku, don't you hear me calling you? You have shown me so much, to be the last one standing has nothing to do with being the strongest, but the most compassionate. You have taught the real wrong and right, I want to show you what I can be for you. I need you, I love you. Please, all I need is you, hurry, I am falling. I will leave this life behind me if that is what you want; I just wanted to love you, to save you, and for you to love and save me."

I couldn't say anything for a few minutes; his words were an echo of mine, nearly an exact echo. I shifted so I could get a good look at the light of my strange existence. He sat next to my bed in what looked to be a wooden kitchen chair. I could see his white dress shirt hang off his thin frame, rumpled and too big looking; his shirt had never looked like that before. His slumped frame was supported by his arms, elbows on his knees and his head hanging between his hands, which were fisted in his tangled, limp hair. He startled me when he screamed, "GOKU!"

Prison gates won't open for me

On there hands and knees I'm crawling

Oh I reach for you

Well I'm terrified of these four walls

These iron bars can't hold my soul in

All I need is you.

Come please I'm calling

And oh I scream for you

Hurry I'm falling

Show me what its like

To be the last one standing

And teach me wrong from right

And I'll show you what I can be

Say it for me

Say it to me

And I'll leave this life behind me

Say if it is worth saving me.

Heaven's gates wont open up for me

With these broken wings I'm falling

All I see is you

These city walls ain't got no love for me

I'm on the ledge of the eighteenth story

And oh I scream for you

Come please I am callin'

And all I need from you

Hurry I'm falling

Show me what's its like

To be the last one standing

And teach me wrong from right

And I'll show you what I can be

Say it for me

Say it to me

And I'll leave this life behind me

Say it if it's worth saving me.

Hurry I'm falling

And all I need is you

Come please I'm calling

And oh I scream for you

Hurry I'm falling

I'm falling

I'm falling

Show me what its like

To be the last one standing

And teach me wrong from right

And I'll show you what I can be

Say it for me

Say it to me

And I'll leave this life behind me

Say it if it's worth saving me.

Hurry I'm falling

Say it for me

Say it to me

And I'll leave this life behind me

Say it if it's worth saving me.

I couldn't help myself, I moved amazingly silent to my knees. On the bed still I wrapped my arms around his shoulders, leaning my head against his now raised forehead, looking deep in his haunted violet eyes, I told him. "I will always catch you if you fall, I will always hear you if you call, I will always need you. I love you. I will ALWAYS believe you are worth saving. Will you let me?"


End file.
